The Past is What Made Us Who We are Today

Someone very close to me recently told me that I need to quit living in the past. The truth is, I don't but I do tend to remember it, both good and bad.

The past is what made us who we are today. If it weren't for things that happened then, we wouldn't be who we are now.

I admit, I tend to be a little too sensitive, especially when it comes to criticism and especially from my sisters. Both are older and let me tell you, both were tough to follow behind when we were growing up. The oldest was always considered really smart and talented, especially at sewing. When we got married and had kids, she was always the better mother and her kids were preferred by our mother over mine, or so that was the way it seemed.

The second oldest, the one whose a year older than me was always the smart, pretty, actually more like gorgeous and to top it off, popular one. When we were in high school and I told people that she was my sister, no one, unless they knew us before, would believe me. I guess I was cute enough, but I wasn't pretty or popular like she was. Those were some tough shoes to fill.

Being the youngest sister, I never felt like I measured up. Even now at times, I feel the same way, especially when I'm criticized for something by one of them, no matter what it is or how small, it seems to reaffirm those feelings. You're probably saying to yourself, "How utterly stupid," and yes, a part of me knows that intellectually, but not emotionally.

I have so much to be thankful for, a husband who adores me, two sons who have never been involved with drugs and have gone on to further their educations. Both also are working, one in a very successful career following in his dad's footsteps. We even own a house out in the country. But let one of my sisters criticize me one itsy tiny bit, and I'm thrown back to being that little girl whose not good enough, who will never measure up, be it being smart, pretty, whatever; it doesn't really matter, but it causes me to lash out, to defend myself, to try to convince myself and at the same time in my mind, convince them that I am too good enough.

I know they probably don't understand how after all these years and not even living in the same state, I could still feel this way and to tell the truth, I don't either, but it's deeply intertwined into who I am. Believe me, I've tried to overcome it, tried to convince myself otherwise, and hopefully one of these days, I'll finally succeed.

To my sisters: I hope this explains a little as to why I react in cases where you are concerned. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to you, and it's something I have been working on to try to overcome. I guess a lot of times I feel that I haven't stuck up for myself when I felt criticized by you. That has been why I have lashed out lately, I feel that I should finally defend myself, to prove that I am good enough, at being a mother, whatever. But there's just something about being criticized when it comes from family, it just seems to cut right to the core, if you know what I mean. At least I hope you do. I do love you and still to this day, look up to you. Maybe that's where I got stuck, the looking up part. I should really think of us as equals.